Australia's premier mens magazine with news on mens style, mens fashion, movies, vedioe games, babes and more

10

10. The Unborn

Actual Plot: A fetus named Jamby haunts his sexy twin sibling because he was UNBORN...sorry, I mean not born. 

We Expected: Hot girl walking around in her underwear for 2 hours as a creepy little boy watched.

It made made me learn something about myself, just showing ass on a movie poster is enough to part me with my $12 and 1 1/2 hours of my life without giving a second thought. 'John Tucker Must Die' f*cked me in 2007 and I fell for it again.

9

09. Punisher: Warzone

Actual Plot: Ugly bad guy fights even uglier good guy. 

We Expected: Gratuitous violence and overacting villains killing at a non-stop pace. Ok, ok....that's what they gave, but the movie still sucked.

8

08. Babylon A.D.

Actual Plot: Angry Italian with a phallic head engages in people trafficking.  

We Expected: Vin Diesel in the future kicking ass, flying space ships into bad guys and using his muscles to blow clothes off sexy exotic women.

7

07.  Righteous Kill

Actual Plot: Pacino and Deniro team up as two cops hunting down a serial killer to prove to Hollywood that the concept is not yet overplayed.

We Expected: Heat 2. Deniro would scrunch his face and bobble his head in a stereotypically Italian manner and the audience would scream. Pacino will over emphasize THE wrong word in every sentence but it would be f*cking cool anyway.

6

06. Midnight Meat Train

Actual Plot: Angry meat packer loves his job so much he decides to do it in the subway. Writers attempt to release a movie with the stupidest ending ever.

We Expected: Vinnie Jones being the scary motherf*cker he is combined with one of the coolest movie titles of the year was enough to get me lining up in the cinema with a chubby in my pants. But after an hour through the movie you begin to envy the hacked up commuters.

5

05. The Day The Earth Stood Still

Actual Plot: The human race faces extinction unless Keanu Reeves learns the meaning of love.  

We Expected: At least 30% of the world being destroyed. We don't feel that is too much to ask.

4

04. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Actual Plot: Geriatric archeologist solves a mystery.

We Expected: This movie was 20 years in the making filled with rumours of numerous script rewrites and altercations. We would expect something close to perfection but the story looks like George Lucas's attempt to create a stepping stone to Indiana Jones 5, The Legend of Jar Jar Binks.
 

3

03. Spiderman 3

Actual Plot: Peter Parker turns into Tony Manero. There was something about sand in there too. 

We Expected: Black Spiderman and a list of the worse supervillians any teenage nerd has to face. We thought the screen would be ejaculating coolness. But instead Peter Parker turns to the dark side by getting emo bangs and giving 'Shooter McGavins' to people on the street.

2

02. Ghostrider

Actual Plot: A stunt-man who can't die, just doesn't die upsetting the audience terribly. 

What We Expected: There is fire, a disgruntled skeleton dressed like the Fonz sitting on Satan's bike. It would be very hard for this movie to suck? Apparently the director tried very hard.

Not only that, but Wes Bentley as Blackheart just ringed of that goth kid in your class that sat outside of prom with his "I don't know if that's a chick" girlfriend cursing everyone in Latin.

1

01. The Spirit

Actual Plot: I completely forgot the plot. I was watching the movie and about 20 minutes in my mind drifted off to trying to figure out the exact words in the 'Fresh Prince of Bel Air' opening credits theme.

What We Expected: Artsy poster that looks like it will give you the right mix, of clever dialogue, awe inspiring cinematography and overly.... 

Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I liked to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air

In west Philadelphia born and raised
On the playground was where I spent most of my days
Chillin' out maxin' relaxin' all cool
And all shootin some b-ball outside of the school
When a couple of guys
Who were up to no good
Startin making trouble in my neighborhood
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared
She said 'You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air'

I begged and pleaded with her day after day
But she packed my suite case and send me on my way
She gave me a kiss and then she gave me my ticket.
I put my walkman on and said, 'I might as well kick it'.

First class, yo this is bad
Drinking orange juice out of a champagne glass.
Is this what the people of Bel-Air Living like?
Hmmmmm this might be alright.

But wait I hear there're prissy, wine all that
Is Bel-Air the type of place they send this cool cat?
I don't think sow
I'll see when I get there
I hope they're prepared for the prince of Bel-Air

Well, the plane landed and when I came out
There was a dude who looked like a cop standing there with my name out
I ain't trying to get arrested
I just got here
I sprang with the quickness like lightening, disappeared

I whistled for a cab and when it came near
The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror
If anything I can say this cab is rare
But I thought 'Now forget it' - 'Yo homes to Bel Air'

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8
And I yelled to the cabbie 'Yo homes smell ya later'
I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air